Defense Mechanism and I...

Dear journal,


The other day, Alex was giving me a weird albeit useful advice:

If you have many concerns and problems, you have to think of a good defense mechanism so that you will be able to cope perfectly.

Usually, Avoidance works for me pretty well. He was telling me to use Supression instead. I said, I'm too emotional of a person to make use of that defense mechanism. I'm like a fountain of emotions all bottled up; if I supress these, I'll surely go crazy. I sometimes use Denial as well, but it is just too painful once you stop. Though Reaction Formation is not my thing, I think it has to be used when needed; masks are good when your other defenses are down.

Nobody in their right mind would want to experience pain. You share to others and you cry, but those things can only do so much to ease whatever it is you're feeling. You search for comfort, but comfort seems to be the last thing you can find. And you cry some more, for it somehow unloads the burden that you feel on your chest. Then when everything fails, your defense mechanisms are there to the rescue.

We use mechanisms because we are done with being knocked out all the time, and we want to be better even if, deep inside, we know that we are just sugar-coating the bitterness of our pain. We wear masks so that people won't see how fragile we really are, and how vulnerable we can be in front of those who we love. We always show up with a smile so that nobody won't notice the tears that have dried during the night. At the end of the day, one does whatever makes him sleep at night.

Unconsciously, we have been using one or probably two of these defenses when we had to avoid ugly truths and scenes. Without us knowing it, we have been accustomed to the idea of not facing the problem directly and deviating it into something more tolerable. I guess there is nothing wrong with this as long as our self-awareness is intact. Later if everything becomes unmanageable, we might just find ourselves embracing insanity and befriending lunacy.

Ergo, we should be stronger to face whatever it is we are hiding from. Defense mechanisms are only temporary and are not for good. We can only fool ourselves for a little time, or else we will be the fool in the end. Yes, pain is really painful. But hey, it will come to pass, too. We can drop the act and remove our masks now, and just be comfortable to face the day with bravado. And the pain? We'll just get used to that (fingers-crossed)...  

Remember, lightning could strike anytime... 

Love and Hurt...

Dear journal,



If you are not ready to be hurt, you are not ready to love...

I have a friend who has had a severe accident recently; a very bad accident, which caused her heart to break. It started when she dove into a relationship that has an expiration date written all over it right from the start. He loves her, and she loves him, too. But like the best love story ever told, love was just not enough.

It started unexpectedly for the two of them. The friendship that they've had turned into something deeper, which was a surprise for both of them especially to my friend. They did not need any reminder on what they were getting themselves into. When you see love the first time, you'll know it the moment two people touch even when they are apart.

So why did it end then?

Just like the story of the one that got away, timing has everything to do with it. They were ready for love, but were not ready to be hurt. A wise man once said that love and pain are always together; one dare not exists in the absence of the other. They may have found a great love just waiting to be harnessed, but they were unprepared for the low tides that will come their way. There is no perfect relationship, my friend said. I put my hand on her back and said, "I cannot agree more..."

Love has its way of reminding us that no matter how hard you try and how well you manage, if the puzzle does not fit in all the angles, the picture won't be perfect. You can try to cut it, or probably adjust the size, but the point of the matter is, you may fool the eyes, but you can never fool the heart. 

So for you my dear friend, you have to let go because it is the only choice you have right now. I understand how difficult it can be to tell your heart to be deaf and blind for a while. But you have to tame it, for a tamed heart is a heart that can see beyond darkness and can hear beyond silence. If he is braver and wiser, he will come back to you with much fervor than before. When that time comes, even with all the scars and imperfections, the love that you will have can only be described by one word: Perfect.


Remember, lightning could strike anytime...

When Brothers and Sisters Ended...

Dear journal,


I cried bucket of tears this morning while I was watching the season finale of the series Brothers and Sisters. At the end of the episode, this line was mentioned: 

"It is never too late to be what you might have been..."

I have this conviction from a long time ago that everyone is destined to be great. In my mind, when the world was created, the Divine Painter did not create anything mediocre, for everybody was made in His likeness and He knows that equality should reign among all His creations. I bet there was even a time when the ants, the elephant, and the dinosaurs, no matter how different they were in their sizes, were all equal. But somewhere along the history of mankind, some people doubted their own abiliy, stopped in the middle, and just ceased dreaming. Though their fate was already written for them, they weren't able to fulfill the master plan; they were like an incomplete song with missing notes and melody in the end.

And then the story continues...

I have known people in the past who have ended their journey early, for fear of the requisites of the world. Though they wanted to pursue something bigger than what they already have, hindrances come and block them, which leave them crippled. Some quit because the english exam was tough and unforgiving, while others were worn out of the never-ending requirements for this and that. Some have failed and did not try again, while some didn't even bother trying. Yes, they have big dreams, but the problem is, they feel so small to reach them.

Just recently, I decided to pursue a bigger plan. There's nothing concrete and solid about it. There's no assurance, too. But I know, and I can feel it, that it's meant for me. I may be jumping out of a ship into the sea of uncertainty, but there's no backing out now. I just don't want any regrets if ever I don't heed the call. Might-have-beens are the worst nightmare anyone can have.

This is not an easy world to live in, even some fish has to travel from one ocean to another just to survive harsh winters. This is indeed a demanding world. But in the words of Lady Gaga, we are all born superstars, so we just have to prove our worth. We have to believe in what we can do, and trust that we can do more. If there are opportunities, we grab them; if there are none, we make them happen. At the end of the day, we will go back to the line that was uttered by Nora Walker: It is really never too late to be what you might have been.

Remember, lightning could strike anytime... 

The Day for Mothers...

May 2008
Mothers' day


Dear Journal,


It has been 24 years ago when you had given life to me. At an early age of seventeen, you have been faced with a challenge that only great people can give justice to --- Motherhood.

Instead of running the other way, you have stood your ground and sacrificed many things in order to rise up to the situation. On this special day, it's time for me to put into words what you have done for me even though, as I think of it, no words can really suffice everything that you did. But at least I will try, for it is time to give credit to where credit is due...

I must admit that our life has not been that easy. We have been through trials and tribulations that, up until this day, I can still remember clearly. I tend not to forget those moments, because with those moments, I realize that there was someone who never gave up and, above all, continued to fight; someone who says, "kaya ta ni" (we can do this) and, "may paagi pa" (there's still a way) even if she was already in tears; someone who has this unwavering faith in God and the idea that He will not give us a cross that we cannot afford to carry; and someone who can stand in front of judging people with much humility and pride; someone I call--- my mother.

My mother is not an extraordinary mother. She commits mistakes just like any other person out there. If you put her in a crowd, you will not even recognize her. You see her, and you may not see anything special. Yes, I am not ashamed to say that my mother is ordinary. But the thing is, out of her ordinary works and words, she has made an extraordinary life for my sister and I, a life that is full of love and understanding, of tenderness and of hope...

She is the most special girl in my life next to no one. For the past three years that I have been away, there was not a single moment that I felt that she was not there. Her presence in me is so strong that I do not need her to be with me physically, for just the thought of her brings me her hugs and kisses from across the seas. And now that I am with her again, I take every opportunity to show her how much she means to me...

She is the one who really completes me. She is the reason why I am here, and I shall be grateful for that forever. Some people say that they are ready to die for others so that they may call themselves noble. I say, I am willing to live all my life just to make my mother's life noble. Because for me, mothers deserve much nobility like that of a hero. Because my mother? Yes, she is my hero...

Remember, lightning could strike even on Mothers' day... 

The Prince and the Bad Guy...

Dear journal,


It has been like a Disney world lately: a prince got married, then a bad guy died. I am now wondering whether I would be hearing news about sitings of one of the seven dwarfs any time soon; that would definitely be epic!

The Prince

I have seen enough movies and read enough books to know how princes have this enthralling appeal that, apparently no one, can seem to resist. It is even hilarious to think that Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty all fell for the same man: the prince. Come to think of it, who would not fall for someone who is handsome, rich, lives in a castle, and has a bejeweled crown on his head, right? And just the idea of being with the royal family is already exciting as it is.

In all the dreams that I dreamt, I don't know why being a prince has never been one of them. I have had dreams of being a superhero, a villain, and even an animal, but I haven't had any "royal" dream. One would probably say that it is a really great privilege to be born with blue blood running inside of you and be in the lineage of kings and queens. But if I were a prince, I would probably be like the little prince, a prince who has tons of questions and is in search of much wisdom.

The Bad Guy


I know that it's probably ill to celebrate the death of someone; but when a bad guy dies, we just can't help but feel good about it. Everyone has his nemesis.; Superman has Lex Luther, Batman has the Joker, while Tom has Jerry. Every time the bad guy fails and end up on the losing side, we rejoice, for we know that out of all the evil and negativity, the good reigns supreme no matter what the circumstance is.

We do have qualms about monsters, villains, and beasts. In the real world, the bad guys are the terrorists, war-freaks, and dognappers. The truth is that they breed fast these days, and they just multiple by more than four digits per day. It is alarming though that they are already hiding beneath masks that hide their true intentions. World leaders and faith workers are two of their common disguises nowadays. They talk about peace, but they work for war; they preach about piety, but what they practice is infidelity.

It is always a field day if people hear about a prince or a bad guy. They are not fictitious; they are real. So here is what we should think about:

Happily-ever-after is not just limited in fairy tales; it can happen to us, too. Maybe we have to lose a slipper first, or eat a poisoned apple. Whatever it is, everybody deserves a happy ending.
Remember, lightning could strike anytime... 

The Huge Elephant and I...

Dear journal,


This past weeks, I have been confronted with a decision that I really needed to make. It's like the big elephant in the room that needs attention. Up until now, I haven't fully made up my mind. There is indeed something unnerving and direful in making a decision so important it changes your life.

All of us would probably have a list of our might-have-beens in our lives; a list of possible scenarios if we have chosen differently in the past. I, for one, have this list. Like the time when I chose to stay for the local board exam review and decided not to go for the final interview of a certain search that I joined before. I am thinking, if I had gone to the interview, maybe I could have had my one page of fame in the Philippine Daily Inquirer that I could really be proud about. But thinking differently, if I had missed 3 days of the review, I might as well have failed in the licensure exam (which is the worst thing that could happen to me, I suppose).

If all of us have like a cheat sheet, where the effects of choices are written, we will always be confident and satisfied with every decision we make; that is why it is called a cheat sheet, for the true nature is cheating, which we actually cannot have in real life. So I thought, He is really brilliant in every way; He made everything fool-proof.

Just like in movies, you have to choose which wire to cut to deactivate a bomb to prevent a major explosion and save the day. Sometimes, you are like the lead actor who always seems to know what to do in times of crisis. But other times, you can also be the poor bastard who cut his way to death because of poor judgement and bad luck. Bombs are everywhere, and the wires are deceptive; you can't just trust colors, for they are irrelevant when it is dark.

Our life is weaved with discernments and risks. Intuition, sometimes, has nothing to do with it. We shouldn't trust our guts if we have our brain to rely on. We can't just toss the coin and gamble the infinite possibilities offered to us. We think about it, and we think really hard. We ask our friends, too, for they can say what we, sometimes, deny ourselves. Coming up with the best decision, ergo, is a talent, too.

How I wish perfect decisions are just laid for us to pick. But life, in general, is far from easy. So tonight, as I lay myself to sleep, I place my hands together like an angel praying, and ask the Supreme Planner to enlighten and guide me in choosing the perfect resolution. Who knows, He could be sending me signs tomorrow, right? And so, I believe... 


Remember, lightning could strike anytime...  

To mend and Amend...

Dear journal,

First of the seven last words:


"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do..."

In the van on my way to work today, I overheard some of the guys talking about holy week. One was saying that he doesn't feel the lenten season at all, while another was laughing because he still ate corned beef for breakfast on a Good Friday. He added that it's fine because we are not in the Philippines anyway. I don't want to come clean and say that I am not like them, for the sad truth is: I am.

When I was a kid, I hated holy week. I was just not enticed by the melancholic scenario I saw everywhere. We were not allowed to play, to laugh, or to even giggle. I actually just realized now how strict people back then were. As far as I can remember, the only time that I enjoyed was when we went from one church to another, and watched little boys and girls dressed as angels being suspended in air. I even wished I could be one of them.

So the question now is: what is the real essence of the lenten season then?

To say that this season is just about penitence and fasting is far from the truth. Though Ms. Merriam and Mr. Webster define it that way, it isn't just as precise as saying that it is more than that. Holy week is more than not eating meat and staying away from vice. It is more than not being your evil self (for at least 7 days), and  be on the good side. Others would even go to the extent of having themselves crucified and be on the cross with thorned crown; I respect them, for they interpret this season as suffering and sacrifice. Different people with different beliefs under one faith. As for me, holy week is about reflecting about all the facets of ones life and having the resolution to mend and amend.

AMEND. It is just right for us to look at our lives in other people's perspective. Let us ask ourselves: Am I a blessing to others? If you are, you can still cover more people, and spread more love. There is no such word as enough in you are being a gift to others. But if you are not, then it is not yet too late for you to improve and enhance your self; you cannot just give up on yourself, can you?

TO MEND. In a lifetime, there would always be things that will be broken. Shattered relationship. Smashed promises. Wrecked dreams. But even if the clock stops from ticking and the tides, from changing, everybody will still have a chance to fix darkened wounds, puzzled souls, and chaotic faces. One has to incessantly believe in the power of the universe and its creator; healing, afterall, is all in the mind.

So in this season of the passion of the Son, let us not forget to amend and to mend, and say our prayer. For this, let us all say Amen. 

Remember, lightning could strike anytime...